the loss

I sit here and the tears are finally rolling down my face, its taken three days for this to happen properly and for me to be able to think about the future we have lost.

It all happened on Thursday morning, I was getting the kids ready and said to Ben that I was really sore, but just dismissed it as well my periods due in the weekend sort of thing. By 10:30 the pain was excruciating and i had to lay down for a bit. I then felt nauseous so went to the bathroom.

The room started spinning so I laid down on the floor with my feet on the toilet and yell for L to get me the phone. She did this and sat beside me. I rung Ben again (he was already on his way home) and he rung 111 for me. The ambulance guys were great, they helped with the two littlies and with me till Ben arrived. I was taken to A and E and they said i might be pregnant etc.... I was put into a room and expected to be seen eventually.

Well the morphine they gave me dropped my blood pressure through the floor, it was about 70/40 and I was moved to be constantly observed, they ran bloods etc and told me that I was pregnant and that it probably was not viable, that my symptoms were that of an ectopic pregnancy. By the time Ben arrived they were getting ready to do a scan etc which confirmed that there was no viable pregnancy and that I was bleeding internally, so by 4:30pm I was in theatre getting everything sorted out.

I am thankful that this was able to be done through keyhole surgery which has meant that the physical recovery time will be a lot shorter. I spent 3 nights in hospital and was very happy to come home to my family today.

Ben and I have talked a bit about it and we are going to plant a tree to commemorate what wasn't to be.

Ben talked to the OB/GYN afterward and was told that I was probably further along than we first thought, my thoughts on dates were that I wasn't even 4 weeks, she suggested that it was more likely 6 to 8 weeks, which means that what we thought were UTI earlier in the month was possibly this pregnancy implanting where it shouldn't have.

I have lost 1/3 of my right fallopian tube and will have HCG blood tests till they come back clear. the embryo had implanted on my pelvis wall so it had ruptured through the tube as well.

The pain that I had on Thursday was caused by internally bleeding, I lost over 750mls into my stomach cavity.

I am sad about this, and will take a few weeks i think to sort out how I am feeling, but for today I am alive and i have my family with me which is the greatest gift.