loss or termination?

ok, this is getting ethically tricky for me, as i sat in the bath at 11pm trying to get my body to feel sleepy the thought came to me that maybe the embryo had been alvie still.... this may sound strange but in my bloodloss induced state at the time i have just assumed when they said it wasnt a viable pregnancy that that meant the embryo was dead. thats how my mind processed what was happening at the time.

last night i suddenly realised while sitting in the bath that actually the embryo may have been 100% ok, and it was where it was implanted that made it not viable, and that it was either it was removed or I would have been looking at making my children motherless.

So I guess in someways it was a termination of a pregnancy in exchange for my life. that is one hell of a scary way of looking at what happened, and its one that i arent sure I can deal with. I know that it wasnt an option to stay pregnant, the embryo was implanted in the wrong place and I had internal bleeding and lots of pain because of it. Its rather scary how we can rationalise all these things but its doesnt make it any easier for me.

I need to accept my loss, work through the grief and be able to move on with my beautiful family who mean so much to me. I am hoping that by seeing the ob/gyn next week some of this will become clearer for me.

its hard when you have to wait till 3 weeks later to see someone about what happened and what was done etc, it leaves a long period of time for thinking and coming up with questions that are not easy to deal with.

4 comments:

lisa winter said...
February 16, 2009 at 11:36 AM

thank you for sharing your healing process, i think it will be helpful to many that have gone through a similar situation. i'm so sorry for your loss.

Azlemed said...
February 16, 2009 at 12:06 PM

thank you for that. I am finding it hard, but I just watched revolutionary road and realised that i have so much to be thankful for and that if i can help others and myself by writing then I will do it.

Puerhan said...
February 16, 2009 at 11:25 PM

That's a tough place to arrive at!

*hugs*

Azlemed said...
February 17, 2009 at 5:13 PM

its a damn tough thing to arrive at, I am pro choice, but abortion is not something i personally would choose to do, but to be faced with the choice between yourself and an embryo is difficult, ben understood far more than me at the time and knew what we were doing, I didnt click that it meant the embryo was still alive....

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