first day parenting solo again

now that title seems a bit strange, what I really mean is that today is the first day since the 5th of Feb that I have been solely in charge of the childrens day. I did the school and kindy drop off and pick up etc, I did everything I normally do, but it was strange.

I felt tired, i felt sore, I felt jealous and sad. I havent really enjoyed parts of today at all, its not been hard, but its not been great either.

One of the hardest parts was a conversation with K driving to a shop after school. it went a bit like this

K: Mama, I want another baby.
M: me too K
K: you could have it in the summer mama, then it would need less clothes cos its warm.
M: we have to wait a bit K, mama cant have a baby right now.
K: why were you pregnant mama and now your not?
M: because the baby died K
K: why did it die Mama?
M: I dont know K
K: is that why there was blood in your tummy?
M: yes k.

then she change topic to something else..... this was actually a really hard conversation to have with her, and its the first time since it all happened that she has asked me about it, shes normally asked Ben about it.

I am still grieving the loss, and constantly thinking new things or struggling with new issues, like I had lunch with Ben, and his workmates expressed sympathy etc and had questions etc, caring and all, but really hard to face in some ways.

I am still finding that side of it hard, explaining what happened etc.

My mum is a bit more pragmatic about it, she said God decided it wasnt the right time for us and our family to have more children. She said she felt like that when she had a miscarriage too..... but i struggle to be pragmatic like that, i have questions, i want answers... at some stage i will move on but just not right now

Older people seem to talk less about it and have different ideas about it. maybe that is why it is still a somewhat taboo subject that isnt talked about yet it happens in around 1/4 of all pregnancies, this is a huge number it pretty much means most women will at some stage experience a pregnancy loss. Or for some they will experience multiple losses. I have now had a loss meaning that I have a 1 loss out of 4 pregnancies ratio.

I need to talk about it, i need to know more, and i need to blog for processing my thoughts and my grief. its less than 2 weeks since it happened and i am doing ok, but today is just a bit harder than yesteday, but tomorrow will be different


Puerhan said...
February 19, 2009 at 11:13 AM

Sounds like you are doing well and looking after yourself!

Conversation with little ones like you share are difficult, but it sounds like you handled it well. I figure that if they ask, they are ready to hear the answer. No need to *talk down* to them and at the same time no need to elaborate or go into further detail than they ask for. Like you, she'll be processing at different levels of consciousness.

It is really great that you are able to notice your own feelings too. I'm not so great at that it often seems to me!


Azlemed said...
February 19, 2009 at 9:21 PM

She dealt with it really well.... shes amazing for a 5yr old, K asked us recently how do you not have babies when you are an adult? we told her that you dont have special cuddles.... thats our current explanation that adults who love each other have a special cuddle that can make babies.....

they really come up with the most amazing things at times dont they.

I am aware of my own feelings, i find blogging/talking helps,

I would suggest though that you notice your own but use poetry to express them.

love D

Puerhan said...
February 21, 2009 at 9:55 AM

Yes you're right I do notice mine and they come out a lot through poetry. Still there are often times when I am aware of emotional undercurrents that I am not able to actually identify or see/experience clearly. Seeing and freeing my own emotions is an ongoing project for me! (Via meditation and poetry mostly)

In any case this area is one that can't really be compared between people! We always relate other peoples expression of emotions back to our own experiences. Who knows if they are ever really the same given each of us have our own background, conditioning, way of relating to the world etc...!


Azlemed said...
February 21, 2009 at 11:15 AM

recognising my own has only been easier in the last year or two, I had a good psych and a good case worker in Oamaru who helped, and Mum was brilliant for talking to,

Ben and I talk a lot too which helps me. I do find writing this blog thingy helps too, gives me a chance to clarify what I am thinking.

I am hoping that I will be even better at it after doing LF.

Puerhan said...
February 22, 2009 at 4:23 AM

Ah no doubt! LF opened up many many areas of myself that I hadn't managed to see before. (Every time actually and I've done it 3x!)


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