Bens version of Events

Ben wrote this for our friends to read on Facebook, I have added it here as it gives a voice to what he is feeling and the otherside to my story

It's been a scary and sad and stressful few days. Demelza had severe stomach pains on thursday and nearly fainted so I had to call an ambulance to get to her while I biked home from work. Once I had dropped the kids off to a friend I got to hospital and found out in quick succession that 1. Demelza was pregnant and 2. that they suspected an ectopic pregnancy which meant that it had to be surgically removed. For those of you who don't know, ectopic pregancies is when the egg attaches in a place other than in the womb and this was lethal for the mother before modern surgery. So we were faced with the news that the embryo had to be removed or else both mother and embryo would eventually die. Not much of a choice really. Well soon after that she was wheeled into surgery and I got on the phone to let my family know. A long 2 hours later the doctor told me that things had gone well and that they were able to do the surgery with keyhole surgery which was good news. The pregnancy had actually developed out ot the fallopian tube and attached in her abdomen which is very dangerous and caused the internal bleeding (hence the near fainting and low blood pressure). Part of one fallopian tube had to be removed but the other is still fine (she can still have children). She spent 3 nights in hospital and is home now, Sunday, with a fair bit of recovery still to go.

We feel sad about what happened because we were essentially forced to terminate a pregnancy. It was absolutely the best thing to do - the chances of a successful ectopic pregnancy are virtually nil coupled with a very high chance of Demelza dying from the problems but while it makes logical sense it is still hard to accept. I don't feel that we have lost a child or a baby because it was just a tiny embryo at the time. It was the possibility of a baby - so I still grieve for what might have been if the egg had implanted in a better place. It would have been a treasured child and may have lived to 100. Instead bad luck had doomed it before it could even develop. This probably happens often with spontaneous abortions of fertilised eggs or a failure to implant before people are even aware that conception had taken place but despite the logical arguments it is still hard to accept. It is hard to know what to feel. As for me I don't feel devastated, not neutral either but I do feel sad. I feel a sense of loss. It makes one appreciate again how precious my children are. Of course on the other hand we have discussed that we'd like a fourth child (most likely no more than that) and this loss opens the way for another to develop and live so there are so many ways of looking at it that it is confusing at times.

I thank my friends and family who have helped us out and shared our grief.
Benjamin

2 comments:

Puerhan said...
February 9, 2009 at 2:21 AM

Thanks for posting Ben's thoughts also. (Spell check warning though: "here", not "hear"!)

Loss, despite never having gained in a way - is strangely shocking and difficult to come to terms with it seems.

A little like I find myself now grieving for a person who I never met, who had lived an extraordinarily great life, and was old, ill and naturally ready to die... (and did so with such grace and ease)... and yet somehow there is still a deep sense of loss and sadness. Of course despite never meeting him, he has had a huge influence on my life and will do possibly for the rest of my life.

And then when I was young I had a sister who died at only a few weeks old. She hardly entered our family's world before she departed. Unbelievably saddening somehow.

Impermanence.

The preciousness of life.

Azlemed said...
February 9, 2009 at 4:09 AM

opps better fix the typo.... loss is strange when you never really had what you lost in tangible terms.

I will always carry three physical scars though from this experience and the mental ones will take some time to heal.

I am grateful that We have been here for each other through this.

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