I did it... made a complaint to the DHB

I have just sent off an email to the Midcentral DHB customer services person about the care I recieved after our loss.

I was unhappy about being placed in a room with pregnant women etc so I decided to make a complaint about it. And I feel so much better now that I have done that.

I also stated that I was unhappy with the waiting time I spent at the Womens health Unit waiting for blood test results.

I did say that I found the care I recieved in A&E was brilliant and that Dr Hansen and her team were awesome. I found Dr Hansen was easy to talk to and she was direct about how she saw things. I actually got information from her that helped me.

Part of my compalint was also that I was not given any information about ectopic pregnancy, the procedures that I had had or about where I could get support/counselling if I needed it.

Overall I am glad I made the complaint even if it changes things for just one women in my situation I will be happy. It also has given me the chance to get some closure on this.

D

fed up...................

I cannot explain it but I am so fed up with everything today. It's just little things hack me off and i just want to scream and yell. thought I do not because that's not something that I do very often.

I am getting annoyed with house hunting, I am feeling like its all my job to do and that is frustrating me a lot. I am also frustrated with the $$$ aspects of it all. The mortgage broker is helpful though, so sometime this weekend we should know where we are at borrowing wise.

I am also frustrated about loss stuff.... I am not coping very well with it today which is not nice, I just feel sad that we have gone through this. I am unhappy that I feel like I am getting better about it and then I feel like I regress back to where I was a couple of weeks ago. I am just sad about it all.

So I am feeling a bit Blah today, and just cant be bothered at all. D

Been to hospital....

will write more on this later today, but am feeling quite sad at the moment, I didn't realise that when they took part of the right fallopian tube that it meant that I now will not be able to conceive off that side. .... will continue this later D

Ok so I feel like continuing this... well not really, I am feeling quite down about it all tonight, I was fine at the hospital I didn't have to deal with the Dr I didn't like I had a lovely Dr and then the surgeon too, they both explained things really well and I didn't feel at all like I was being silly about questions that I had.

I do feel sad though that I have lost enough of my right tube to make conception pretty much impossible off the right side. Sad doesn't really explain how I feel, nothing does, I feel empty about it, and confused.

the Surgeon (Dr Hansen) was awesome she explained that she sees ectopic pregnancies as not being a "pregnancy" as such but more a life threatening situation. It was difficult in some ways but then she told me more about what I had happen and I can see that it wasn't a baby, it was "products of conception". In my case there was a large mass of placental tissue etc and it had ruptured the tube and was attached to my abdomen wall.

I am processing it all slowly, will have to do some more reading about partial fallopian tube loss and fertility. Dr Hansen did say though that we can try again after I get a period, but that I am to note when we do it, and to see GP as soon as I know I am pregnant, I am then to have frequent HCG bloods done and two or three early scans to see that everything is ok. She said the risk of having an ectopic again is around 15% but that since I have had three normal pregnancies she thought it probably wouldn't happen.

So a mixed bag really... dunno what to think or say or feel, maybe sleep is the answer tonight. D

3 weeks since loss

so its three weeks today since i was sitting on this couch in immense pain wondering what the hell was going on.... 3 weeks... not that long really, am still lost for words at times about it all. I have a hospital appointment for this afternoon with the specialist, am really nervous about it, I have questions about the embryo.. like how far along was I etc, and what are my chances of it happening again etc, would love more info really still feeling like I dont know very much about what happened etc.

L is still very clingy but thankfully has gone out with her godparents for the day which is nice for me. They will take her to kindy and pick her up afterwards which is great as my appointment is for 2:30.

Mum is in hospital in Dunedin which is worrying me too. She had the wires taken out from her surgery when K was tiny, but her warfarin levels arent balanced so she is bleeding and is having problems with pain and eating. I hate being so far away at times like this, I know shes ok but its hard.

D

parenting alone in the evenings....

For the next ten weeks, I am doing tuesdays by myself, Ben is doing a landmark forum thingy so is in wellington every tuesday evening.

I arent 100% happy about it, but sometimes there are advantages to getting the evening routine done by myself. its 6:20pm and O is in bed, the girls are in their nighties, we are just about to do reading and then off to bed for them too.... ah bliss....

have had a bit tummy cramp today, made me feel a bit uneasy and brought up thoughts from nearly 3 weeks ago.

I am all over the place on ttc... sometimes i just want to get pregnant again to get rid of the doubts etc, other times i think i arent ready to get pregnant yet, its such a roller coaster at times. its probably best if we wait, but its really hard, esp when you are more attuned to seeing pregnant women or babies around. One of the women from church brought us around a casserole last night which was really nice.

so my thoughts are a bit scrambled this evening, I think I will have a tv night, house is one and so is boston legal, i could do with a laugh. D

Proud of my wee triathletes

the triathlon club here in Palmy is awesome, its so supportive of getting kids out there having a go. this is K's third season doing the Summer series, for her age group they run 300m, bike 600m, and swim one length of the learners pool. Its done at the pool and park next to our place which makes it easy for us to go to as well.

L did her first triathlon tonight, shes 3 so its an awesome thing that she felt confident enough to have a go. We are really proud of her too... the offical age for doing it is 4 but they let 3 year olds do it too. Her godparents daughter ran beside her for her run and bike and watched her in the pool. She was so proud of herself doing the whole thing, to top it off she won a spot prize too which was nice.

K did it without trainer wheels on her bike, this was the first time shes done anything without them, she was a bit wobbly still and fell off a couple of times, but she was so proud of herself for doing it.

We have a club tri this weekend, I will do it with K, and Ben is going to do the bike with us with the youngest two in the bike trailer, we have the events out at Linton Army camp, its great as we dont have the issues of road/traffic control that happens in town, and they have a nice 25m pool that we can use.

We are really enjoying having something that we can all do together, I wasnt in to sport as a kid, but this is a good way for me to be active and to be a role model to my children,

Victory for blackout protest

The government has given the industry a month to sort out an appropriate code for policing of this act. this is a victory to every person who blacked out their avatars, websites, emailed MP's etc.

for more info Stuff has a story on the decision so far.

post after blackout

we won't really know if it was successful until after cabinet meets today. but lets hope we are getting our point across.

protest s92a #blackout

As part of the protest people are blacking out their websites for the 23rd of February, I am not very technologically advanced so I am just writing this wee note to ask my readers to go to creative freedom foundation and see what blackout is about....

a nice weekend

two sleep ins, yay.... an evening out without children, yippy, bed shopping, a birthday party, house hunting, just being together.....

We have had a nice relaxing weekend. I got to sleep in both mornings and it was so good. We went to friends wee girls first birthday party yesterday afternoon which was lovely. got home at 6:40pm and the babysitter (Emmaleen) arrived at 7pm while I was running around finding matching shoes and getting dressed and make up on. We went to a labour party fundraiser, the annual wine auction, it was a great night and we really enjoyed ourselves didn't get home to 11:30pm but we had sat around afterwards and chatted with friends about ideas for Palmy labour. We then came home and drunk milo with our sitter and chatted for ages. what a great night we had.

This morning i got to sleep in again, then we went out, we went looking at furniture and found a really nice mattress, our bed is too hard and neither of us are sleeping very well at all... now just gotta work out the $$$$. we also went and looked at a house that we knew was outta our price range but we wanted to see why they thought it was worth that amount. we think it was over priced for the area and the size of the house.

After that we came home, and I have started sorting out all my stuff in our bedroom, its feeling good to get sorted in there again.

I cooked butter chicken for tea, yummy and after that did reading with K, shes doing really well, and is hopefully going to have the same love affair with books that I have.

D

the loss.... 2 weeks later

I am physically pretty much back to normal. Mentally I take each day as it comes. Our Vicar came to visit today and it was great, we talked about the choice we had to make and why it had to be made, which really helped, she also told me that she too had lost a pregnancy which made it easier to talk to her as she understood the guilt, and other feelings that are associated with the loss of a possibly child.

It was exactly what I needed today, it was pouring with rain all day and talking to her about the loss and how I was being careful to monitor my mood with winter coming, and the weather today and my history was really good.

She told me that I will be able to come to a place where I will be able to acknowledge that this wasnt meant to be, but also that its still early on in the process and not to expect too much too soon about it.

I also saw a friend today who simply said I dont know what to say.... that was so much easier than a saying things she didnt really mean, she said she was sorry too, but that she doesnt understand, and i am ok with that, because i wouldnt wish this on any woman.

Its not a nice thing to have happen, its not nice to feel like you are inadequate because the embryo wasnt in the right place,..... for a while i felt like I had failed... oh look u couldnt even get pregnant properly.... totally irrational, I have three children. but it was how I felt.

so the healing and grieveing continues, the uneasiness of it all moves with me, but at least i am coping most days, the tears are still there but not shed all the time.

rugby

There is an interesting debate going on at the hand mirror over whether parents should choose what sports their children play. I have weighed into this debate because I will not be letting any of my three children play rugby at all.... I have no desire what so ever for them to play it.

I aren't anti rugby, I like watching it, I just have seen consequences of this sport that I do not like therefore i will not be letting them be involved in the sport.

A boy I went to primary school with became a tetraplegic at age 17 through no fault of his own, he was a 1st fifteen player, and was running with the ball and tackled, he fell awkwardly on hard ground and was paralysed. I don't want to see this happen to any of my children. I have seen the fractures, the blown out knees, etc, I aren't thinking this through in a sensationalist fashion.

One of my other reasons is based more on society, my cousin was from a rugby family, it was common to go to the club after work for a drink etc, He had broken up with his girlfriend, went to the club for a while, said something to someone and went home and killed himself. I am not in anyway blaming the game for his death, but the I'm a hard man attitude that goes with rugby is NZ was a factor in his death.

I am happy for my children to be competitive, social, and enjoy sport, it just wont be rugby......

When reading the comments on rugby on THM the interesting bit was that one person thought we were being a bit harsh for not letting our kids play this sport, but I would be the one paying for it, taking them to games, training etc, washing the gear etc, therefore i think i am entitled to some say in what they play.

Thankfully at the moment they think triathlons are awesome. And i am happy with that.

D

shopping....

I want to get a nice top, something a bit cooler as i am finding most of mine are a bit warm or make me look pregnant. now there is nothing wrong with looking pregnant except when you arent and have just lost a baby its not a look you really want....

so I took the kids to ezibuy in the hope i might find something reasonable, but not a chance, anything size 18 or larger was like a tent shape and made me feel frumpy as all hell.

I saw a top i like at jean jones and one at kilt and i might just go and get one because i need a pick me up and something to wear to the LEC wine auction on saturday night.....

when quickly re reading this it seems all very rambly but thats kinda how i feel today, just all over the place in my head, sorta happy, sorta sad, grumpy, fat, unattractive, just a bit blah yet i want to feel good....

I also want to get a small piece of jewellery for myself to remember the lose by... any suggestions would be nice.

D

beta hcg levels nearly nil

my poor children have been subjected to a morning of near boredom due to me having to get my beta hcg levels tested and having to then wait over and hour at the womens health unit to be told the level.

My beta hcg level today is 19, so small that a home pregnancy test wouldnt pick it up and that realistically i wouldnt be counted as pregnant now.... so yeah up till the last few days i still had enough to be classed as pregnant, isnt that scary......

I had one of the Drs that I had while in hospital and her bedside manner needs much improvement, shes just shockingly unfriendly, and bordering on rude. lets just say i hope i never see her again. So next week i get a final blood test and see the surgeon who did it, and hopefully thats the end of the medical side of the ectopic pregnancy.

the mental side is taking a bit longer to get over, I am feeling better though, and after talking to a friend online last night I realised that i am doing ok, not 100% brilliant but I am still doing what i need to do to be happy. That is a good thing.

so its 2 weeks tomorrow, its still all there etc, but i am looking to our future and its looking pretty good.

first day parenting solo again

now that title seems a bit strange, what I really mean is that today is the first day since the 5th of Feb that I have been solely in charge of the childrens day. I did the school and kindy drop off and pick up etc, I did everything I normally do, but it was strange.

I felt tired, i felt sore, I felt jealous and sad. I havent really enjoyed parts of today at all, its not been hard, but its not been great either.

One of the hardest parts was a conversation with K driving to a shop after school. it went a bit like this

K: Mama, I want another baby.
M: me too K
K: you could have it in the summer mama, then it would need less clothes cos its warm.
M: we have to wait a bit K, mama cant have a baby right now.
K: why were you pregnant mama and now your not?
M: because the baby died K
K: why did it die Mama?
M: I dont know K
K: is that why there was blood in your tummy?
M: yes k.

then she change topic to something else..... this was actually a really hard conversation to have with her, and its the first time since it all happened that she has asked me about it, shes normally asked Ben about it.

I am still grieving the loss, and constantly thinking new things or struggling with new issues, like I had lunch with Ben, and his workmates expressed sympathy etc and had questions etc, caring and all, but really hard to face in some ways.

I am still finding that side of it hard, explaining what happened etc.

My mum is a bit more pragmatic about it, she said God decided it wasnt the right time for us and our family to have more children. She said she felt like that when she had a miscarriage too..... but i struggle to be pragmatic like that, i have questions, i want answers... at some stage i will move on but just not right now

Older people seem to talk less about it and have different ideas about it. maybe that is why it is still a somewhat taboo subject that isnt talked about yet it happens in around 1/4 of all pregnancies, this is a huge number it pretty much means most women will at some stage experience a pregnancy loss. Or for some they will experience multiple losses. I have now had a loss meaning that I have a 1 loss out of 4 pregnancies ratio.

I need to talk about it, i need to know more, and i need to blog for processing my thoughts and my grief. its less than 2 weeks since it happened and i am doing ok, but today is just a bit harder than yesteday, but tomorrow will be different

Politcal interference

Is it just me or does this just rub you up the wrong way. District Health Boards are elected at the same time as Local body elections, people choose to stand and are elected, sounds rather simple doesnt it.... well not if you are Tony Ryall MP.... he has just sacked the Otago DHB Chair for letting fraud happen over an 8 year period..... One would think that a main feature of fraud is that no one else knows you are doing it. so surely it would make sense then that the chair of said board is not responsible for someone elses fraudulent use of money,

Also why does the minister think he can sack someone who has been publicly elected.... its simple the person is a labour party member and not one of his cronies so he was out for blood.

for more on this

Internet blackout NZ

go here for more info.. basically this is a bad thing, your isp can be made to switch off your internet cos you have been accused of infringing copyright, no need to go to trial or anything... this isnt good.... for more info head over to the hand mirror or to just left

This is an issue that needs debated and needs a lot further thought, am i going to loose my internet cos i downloaded something? seems like there needs to be a huge internet discussion before anything should happen....

if you want to do more about this Email john.key@parliament.govt.nz or any other national party mp you can think of with your concerns....

(ps pissed off edited out of last two lines)

D

Going natural

Next time I am due for a hair colour I am going to get it coloured the same as the roots. I have made this decision because 1. i want to know what my natural colour is 2. we wont be able to afford for me to stay blonde when we own a house and 3. after cutting my hair short I now want to grow it long, but its easier if i arent dying it.

So I havent had my hair my natural colour since we got married in 1998, this is going to be quite a test for me, as if i am unhappy the first thing i change is my haircut or colour. But I am committed to us owning our own home so somethings just have to give, and flashy hairstyles arent necessary and i will still look nice, its not like i am trying to cover up grey hair either so i am going to experiment.

For one year from date of next year colour I will not colour my hair at all.

Revolutionary Road

warning if you want to watch this movie i will try not to spoil it for you..... WOW.... I have just watched this movie and i am absolutely blown away by. I dont normally rave much about movies, but this has just amazed me. the whole way the issues of mental illness, abortion and life in the 50's was handled was awesome.

I feel so privileged to live in a new millenium where I can get medication for my depression, where when i haemorraged I was able to be saved, and if i wanted to end a pregnancy I can without endangering my own life. Women had a pretty tough life in suburbia at times in the 1950's suburban nuerosis was a term given to the women who suffered mental illness at the time. Kate Winslet portrayed this amazingly in this movie.

Its a sad movie but so amazing because at least we have hope and a future, and maybe one day I will go to paris too.

loss or termination?

ok, this is getting ethically tricky for me, as i sat in the bath at 11pm trying to get my body to feel sleepy the thought came to me that maybe the embryo had been alvie still.... this may sound strange but in my bloodloss induced state at the time i have just assumed when they said it wasnt a viable pregnancy that that meant the embryo was dead. thats how my mind processed what was happening at the time.

last night i suddenly realised while sitting in the bath that actually the embryo may have been 100% ok, and it was where it was implanted that made it not viable, and that it was either it was removed or I would have been looking at making my children motherless.

So I guess in someways it was a termination of a pregnancy in exchange for my life. that is one hell of a scary way of looking at what happened, and its one that i arent sure I can deal with. I know that it wasnt an option to stay pregnant, the embryo was implanted in the wrong place and I had internal bleeding and lots of pain because of it. Its rather scary how we can rationalise all these things but its doesnt make it any easier for me.

I need to accept my loss, work through the grief and be able to move on with my beautiful family who mean so much to me. I am hoping that by seeing the ob/gyn next week some of this will become clearer for me.

its hard when you have to wait till 3 weeks later to see someone about what happened and what was done etc, it leaves a long period of time for thinking and coming up with questions that are not easy to deal with.

sick again

Last night i started feeling sick, sore throat etc, today I have carried O around a bit more just to get used to it etc and my belly button started hurting too... so off to the drs I went this evening thinking that i was probably just being a hypochondriac..... but nope, i truelly and sick this time

the list goes something like this:
1. belly button laparoscopy incision infected
2. left ear infection
3. sinus infection
4. throat infection

so i arent a hypochondriac quite yet :) but I am sick for the 4 or 5th time this year which is not making me a happy camper at all.

its also not nice when you feel sad etc to feel sick too... i am struggling to cope with all of this on top of the ectopic pregnancy loss and the resultant ebb and flow of emotions that I am dealing with. I am also nauseaous as a result of the loss and have other pregnancy related problems but no pregnancy.... and no baby in 7 months and to tell the truth it bloody suxes.

I am so over it at the moment, its like i just want to put it in the too hard basket and just feel like Demelza for even half a day would be nice.... i am beginning to think i may have lost her at the moment, not much holds my attention either, I know enough though to realise that this pain will pass, the sickness will go and i can start enjoying life again. this is not depression this is part of the grief process that i will go through from having lost a pregnancy.

I know others who have also lost pregnancies/babies and my heart goes out to them because at some stage they too will have thought why me... why us... we didnt ask for this, especially when they get people telling them thoughtless things like "it wasnt meant to be". i havent had this yet, we know it wasnt meant to be, the embryo was in the wrong place and put my life at risk, but that doesnt stop me thinking that it was my baby and i wanted it.

so to all my fellow miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy survivors you are all amazing women who my heart goes out to that you have had to endure the pain that this loss causes.

D

Normal milk

A comment was made in a previous post about cows milk and whether it was normal or not.... this posed an interesting thought to me about whether cows milk is normal or whether human milk was normal for said infant son.

I have breastfed all three of our children, the first with far less success than the last but none the less I did it. All three of them have drunk cows milk since the age of two, with K having formula till then but L and O have preferred cows milk after weaning from me. For our children till at least 10 months normal milk has meant breast milk. Now for them normal milk is in a three litre container that is bought at the supermarket, and that between us all we use over 2 litres a day of.

So what is normal milk? for the person who posed the question I suspect soy milk or coconut milk is the norm, for O up till last week his norm was me, other babies normal milk is formula albeit mainly cow some have soy or goat due to dairy in tolerances, for me its standard old homogenised cows milk... but then as an adult do i really need milk at all?

And that's where i start to wonder, do i actually need milk, I know i need calcium to protect my bones from osteoporosis, but are there better ways for me to get calcium. I definitely like getting a nice cold glass of milk to drink, but i aren't sure that i can come up with dietary reasons for this, vegans don't drink it, do they have higher levels of osteoporosis because of this?

As I re read what I have written i feel i have created more questions than i have answered at all... but in future all references to normal milk in my posts will be in relation to the homogenised cow milk in the fridge. any other milk will be classified.

love D

crap day yesterday, getting back to normal today

yesterday was emotionally the toughest yet, it was a week since it all happened, and i was on the edge of crying most of the day, to add to it i felt really tired.

I was able to talk to a school mum about it after school (shes a nurse) and that was really good, esp as she understood the medical side of it all, and was able to just listen too. Shes got twins the same age as K and a wee boy the same age as L.

Another couple of friends helped on facebook too, either via emails or chatting or posts on walls. it is getting easier to talk about the loss now, and it will continue to get easier especially if we are both honest about what we are feeling and how it is affecting us.

Today was easier, we went and looked at a house(not suitable) and i took L and picked up K after school. this was good, it was my first drive so i was a bit cautious but I coped which was really good. I have just been out and bought some gingerbeer so second drive down and its feeling more normal again.

I had to get some ginger beer cos i am still feeling nasuseaous at times, I stil have Beta HCG in my body so some of its effects are still effecting me, mainly nausea and the tiredness. Tiredness is also from the loss of blood, the anaesthetic, and the pain killers i have been on. today i have only taken panadol which has been great too.

so each day its getting easier, and each day is a new day.

emotionally worn out

I had to get bloods done today to check out whether my beta hcg was dropping, I had to go to the hospital to get this done. I was fine with that, but I had to wait nearly 2 hrs in the womens health unit to get the results.....

I was fine sitting there with pregnant women, it made me a little sad but I was ok with it. not jealous or anything. My problem was when a new mum came in with a tiny baby, I nearly burst into tears over the sight of this tiny baby. It made me realise that I had lost the opportunity to be holding my own baby later this year. It made me realise that I had lost a baby.

Its been quite hard it think this and to move on today. I cant change what happened but I am at least hoping that this loss will make me strong and that I can cope with anything that life throws at me.

physically healing

I am feeling a bit better physically than I did earlier this week. Another trip to A and E last night helped, was in immense pain, caused by lack of motions that are essential.... they gave me some better pain relief too which helps.

I have huge bruises on my tummy and three little incisions, I also have a small burn blister that I cant explain. I have had a couple of hours sleep each day which has helped too.

My mental place is a bit more fuzzy, I am grieving but not sure what for in some ways, yes a lost embryo, but I didn't know I was pregnant so I don't feel like I have lost a baby as such. Its more that we lost the possibility of having a child this year. We have talked a bit which is nice and we will have another child, I want to wait a couple of cycles though before trying to conceive as my body and mind need time to get over all of this.

Wee L was amazing on Thursday, she was so worried about the ambulance and why the men were coming, she was so good waiting in the ambulance while they stablised me. She showed a maturity far beyond her 3 years. K asked Ben lots of questions about what happened to me and why etc. Shes been really careful around me and giving me lovely cuddles too.

O ended up being weaned on Thursday, if i had realised that would be his last feed I would have enjoyed the closeness more. The affects of the anesthetic meant i would have had to discard any feeds for 24 hrs so we made the decision to wean him. He's coping really well with normal milk.

A big thanks for the emails and notes I have received they have made a big difference for me, esp when i read that friends have gone through similar.

love D

Bens version of Events

Ben wrote this for our friends to read on Facebook, I have added it here as it gives a voice to what he is feeling and the otherside to my story

It's been a scary and sad and stressful few days. Demelza had severe stomach pains on thursday and nearly fainted so I had to call an ambulance to get to her while I biked home from work. Once I had dropped the kids off to a friend I got to hospital and found out in quick succession that 1. Demelza was pregnant and 2. that they suspected an ectopic pregnancy which meant that it had to be surgically removed. For those of you who don't know, ectopic pregancies is when the egg attaches in a place other than in the womb and this was lethal for the mother before modern surgery. So we were faced with the news that the embryo had to be removed or else both mother and embryo would eventually die. Not much of a choice really. Well soon after that she was wheeled into surgery and I got on the phone to let my family know. A long 2 hours later the doctor told me that things had gone well and that they were able to do the surgery with keyhole surgery which was good news. The pregnancy had actually developed out ot the fallopian tube and attached in her abdomen which is very dangerous and caused the internal bleeding (hence the near fainting and low blood pressure). Part of one fallopian tube had to be removed but the other is still fine (she can still have children). She spent 3 nights in hospital and is home now, Sunday, with a fair bit of recovery still to go.

We feel sad about what happened because we were essentially forced to terminate a pregnancy. It was absolutely the best thing to do - the chances of a successful ectopic pregnancy are virtually nil coupled with a very high chance of Demelza dying from the problems but while it makes logical sense it is still hard to accept. I don't feel that we have lost a child or a baby because it was just a tiny embryo at the time. It was the possibility of a baby - so I still grieve for what might have been if the egg had implanted in a better place. It would have been a treasured child and may have lived to 100. Instead bad luck had doomed it before it could even develop. This probably happens often with spontaneous abortions of fertilised eggs or a failure to implant before people are even aware that conception had taken place but despite the logical arguments it is still hard to accept. It is hard to know what to feel. As for me I don't feel devastated, not neutral either but I do feel sad. I feel a sense of loss. It makes one appreciate again how precious my children are. Of course on the other hand we have discussed that we'd like a fourth child (most likely no more than that) and this loss opens the way for another to develop and live so there are so many ways of looking at it that it is confusing at times.

I thank my friends and family who have helped us out and shared our grief.
Benjamin

the loss

I sit here and the tears are finally rolling down my face, its taken three days for this to happen properly and for me to be able to think about the future we have lost.

It all happened on Thursday morning, I was getting the kids ready and said to Ben that I was really sore, but just dismissed it as well my periods due in the weekend sort of thing. By 10:30 the pain was excruciating and i had to lay down for a bit. I then felt nauseous so went to the bathroom.

The room started spinning so I laid down on the floor with my feet on the toilet and yell for L to get me the phone. She did this and sat beside me. I rung Ben again (he was already on his way home) and he rung 111 for me. The ambulance guys were great, they helped with the two littlies and with me till Ben arrived. I was taken to A and E and they said i might be pregnant etc.... I was put into a room and expected to be seen eventually.

Well the morphine they gave me dropped my blood pressure through the floor, it was about 70/40 and I was moved to be constantly observed, they ran bloods etc and told me that I was pregnant and that it probably was not viable, that my symptoms were that of an ectopic pregnancy. By the time Ben arrived they were getting ready to do a scan etc which confirmed that there was no viable pregnancy and that I was bleeding internally, so by 4:30pm I was in theatre getting everything sorted out.

I am thankful that this was able to be done through keyhole surgery which has meant that the physical recovery time will be a lot shorter. I spent 3 nights in hospital and was very happy to come home to my family today.

Ben and I have talked a bit about it and we are going to plant a tree to commemorate what wasn't to be.

Ben talked to the OB/GYN afterward and was told that I was probably further along than we first thought, my thoughts on dates were that I wasn't even 4 weeks, she suggested that it was more likely 6 to 8 weeks, which means that what we thought were UTI earlier in the month was possibly this pregnancy implanting where it shouldn't have.

I have lost 1/3 of my right fallopian tube and will have HCG blood tests till they come back clear. the embryo had implanted on my pelvis wall so it had ruptured through the tube as well.

The pain that I had on Thursday was caused by internally bleeding, I lost over 750mls into my stomach cavity.

I am sad about this, and will take a few weeks i think to sort out how I am feeling, but for today I am alive and i have my family with me which is the greatest gift.

Sadness and loss

just a quick update post. I have just gotten home from hospital where i have been since thursday. I had an ectopic pregnancy. we didnt even know i was pregnant so its all been a huge shock.

We are still thinking etc about it all. I will post more when i am in a better space. am thankful that I survived it all. D

back to the future lol

Well kind of, when we were little Rebecca and I would climb into bed with Mum and Dad on a Sunday morning and listen to the radio with them. One of our favourites was Constable Keith and Sniff. When I was at Caltex the other night I saw they had a CD of Constable Keith and Sniff, so I impulsively bought it.

the memories its bringing back are so cool as are the songs, like this old man, or if you're happy and you know it etc, its just so cool.

The girls love it, saying things like "grandma likes this song" and generally just bouncing along to the music. It s really neat to be able to share parts of my childhood with them, especially something like Constable Keith.

yay i did it

i found an easy sitecounter to add and now its working yay.

i am feeling really tired today, am thinking its cos we are back into school routine etc, I am going to try to go to sleep earlier for the next few days just to help my body adjust. I am also going to take some breastfeeding multi vitamins to help as well

I have also dropped O's night feed, so we are now down to one breastfeed a day, i am proud of myself though this is the longest i have ever feed by 3 months now.

mmm

I still cant work out how to do this.. am feeling a bit silly really... i have gotten the code etc for tracking but cant work out where I am supposed to put it....

help please o wise bloggers out there

blog stats

Can someone help me please I have no idea how to find out how much this is read etc.... am a bit new to that sort of thing but it would be interesting....

love D

back to school

the holidays finished this morning, routine is back in place, K started back in a new class with a new teacher, she goes to a small school of 300 which is really nice.

She was quite excited to go back and see her friends and meet her new teacher. Shes year 1 this year and in a year 1/2 class. We had to find her hat, schoolbag etc and make lunch. Thankfully getting up wasnt too hard as O woke around 6:30 so i was able to feed him before we all got up. Unfortunately L has a temp and is sick so no kindy this afternoon for her, Shes half asleep on the couch watching tv at the moment.

I thought that i would be sad about school going back and the end of the holidays but i was actually quite happy to return to routine this morning, its nice and I had been feeling a bit run down with all three at home for so long. I am glad that I have chosen to send them to conventional schooling, I dont think i would cope well homeschooling at all. its not something that i think would work well for K or me.

D