guest post up at blue milk

my guest post is up at blue milk.. yay.

mens right to comment on womens hairyness

let me spell this out to start with men don't have the right at all to comment on women's hairiness..... this is in response to the moustache gate that Paul Henry a tv presenter on TVNZ's breakfast show last week commenting that a female guest had a moustache, the whole thing was very embarrassing and in very bad taste.

It reminded me of an incident I remember from fourth form. It was in English and a group of boys were picking on one of the girls, there were only 2 of us that didn't shave our legs... they were quite cruel in their remarks to the other girl and that remained with me... I didn't shave my legs for another year and even now only do it in the summer, and its my choice, Ben wouldn't consider commenting on my hairiness or lack of hair, its my body my choice whether to shave my legs, my underarms and my upper lip if it was hairy, and it is but its blonde hair so cant be seen.

Women are under a lot of pressure to conform to these stupid ideals that women are hairless. I aren't hairless, and the idea of being totally hairless is rather strange, its OK on a 5 year old but to have no body hair as a women seems rather like I am trying to be prepubescent again.

Who's idea was it that women should get rid of all body hair? or that it should be waxed into ideal shapes, eyebrows for example... I hate plucking my eyebrows, up till recently it was painful to do them, waxing has helped but I cant do that by myself and it cost over $15 to get someone else to do them.... I did use bonjela for a while to make them sting less. but who makes these ideas that we must have two perfectly arched eyebrows?

And as for having to get bikini lines waxed etc... I don't get mine done... and I don't intend to start anytime soon... maybe if I was a swimmer I would but I aren't and my swimsuit has boyleg shorts so no one can see anyway.... its all rather mad how we are expected to waste copious amount of money so that we can be some image that is all airbrushed and unreal anyway.

Men do not have the right to tell me or any other women how we should look, its hard enough having a good body image without people like this using national airtime to make comment on another persons facial hair.

nice weekend

We have had a really nice weekend, we watched soccer/football at the Ethkick tournament and Ben ended up playing two games, we went to a friends birthday bbq and farewell which was great and relaxing.

yesterday Ben and K did a triathlon, K rode her own bike to do it, 5km is pretty impressive for a 5 yr old. Ben took the kids to a german get together in the afternoon too so I had a nana nap which I enjoyed.

I watched tv last night too... damn addictive at times.

Anyway we had a lovely weekend, I now am sick though which is not nice, have slept most of the morning.

D

do I have pick on me tattooed on my forehead?

I have had two very crappy and disturbing encounters this week that have really made me wonder if I am just naturally someone who gets bullied or picked on....

here's the story as its happened over the last couple of days.....

On Monday it was teachers only day at school. I biked the kids to kindy from a friends house so that K could get some practise riding on quiet roads. After kindy finished K and a friend were biking in the school grounds and K came around a corner tried to brake and hit a child. I had to get off my bike, go and rescue her, and generally try to calm her and L down. while I left my bike it nearly toppled over on to L, obviously my bike stand isn't strong enough to hold O's weight still on the bike, she then got a nasty scratch on her hand so was crying too......

The mum of the other kid had a go at me, i was too busy with my own upset kids to really think much at the time, the mum took her kids to the car and then came back and let rip at me, about how we shouldn't have been biking in school grounds blah blah blah... I apologised for the accident but she just kept up at me.

I wasn't very happy as I don't like being spoken too like that and esp in front of my children and a friend of theirs. Yesterday there was a school outing to the esplanade... this mum was there.... I avoided her, but I did talk to another mum I know about what happened on Monday.

After school this mum approached me again... this time she was angry as, she went off that I was talking about her behind her back... and yes I did, but not in the situation that she observed. She just kept ranting at me that my girl should have apologised etc and that i wasn't a good parent. I asked her to back off and leave me alone.. she then kept coming closer and saying I was immature etc. I was trying to get the kids ready to go in the car but she just kept ranting at me that she was going to tell kindy etc how dangerous my kids were......

I left school in tears, I felt embarrassed, humiliated, bullied, uncomfortable etc I rung Kindy about the incident and they have said it happened outside kindy time, which it did and seeing it wasn't a formal school day the school rule of not biking in the school grounds did not apply.

I am very unsure about taking L to kindy this afternoon, I will do it though.

It bought back all the painful memories of being bullied at school and that I do not cope very well with confrontation like this. I do wonder about whether being bullied at school has made it difficult for me to deal with people in these sorts of situations?

Any suggestions on how to get through this would be good.

D

Mums sick again

I get worried about Mum a lot, her heart went into atrial fibrilation again today, to fix this they electric shcok her heart back into rythm, this can take them 3 goes to get it sorted, Its all a bit scary when you are hundreds of kms away.

Shes seen her specialist in Dunedin whos opinion is that we just keep doing this till it doesnt work then her heart will just stay in AF. Its worrying because we have always known that Mum probalby wont see old age, or these wee kids of our group up. She was born with heart problems, her parents were told she wouldnt see 5 years let alone 53 so each year we have her is a bonus, but its sad to acknowledge when shes not well that my kids probably wont have their grandma at their graduations etc like I did.

Facing up to the mortality of your parents isnt an easy thing to do, I suppose it is a part of life but we all like to think that our parents are going to live to a very old age,

I am grateful that I have my mum, but the selfish part of me doesnt want to face up to the fact that she may not be here at some stage.

feminist... a dirty swear word

I belong to an online political grouping, there is a discussion in one of the subgroups that a new member has started, it this he states that abortion equals murder and that Helen Clark is a radical and a feminist and that is why we lost the election....

I joined said political party in 1999, Helen was about to become our Prime Minister and I was excited to be part of the movement towards a social-democratic NZ. To me she never seemed radical, and being a feminist was all good by me too.....

It never seems to amaze me though how people use feminist as a bad word, as something that obviously means you must hate men or something like that, and you must be a lesbian too..... what crap. I am a feminist, I am married, have 3 children, and dont hate men at all, some of my closest friends are male and i love them all.

Feminism to me is believing in equality of gender and the use of policy etc to ensure equity for women.

I read the person's post in disbelief that he thought Helen was too radical and that there were too many feminists at the top of the party... it felt like I was reading something written by a Tory.

As for abortion, I am pro choice... yep I think that there is a place for Abortion, its not something I would choose to do, but it is something that is necessary for others. I also get annoyed when men tell us what we should or shouldn't do with our bodies... to sustain a pregnancy is hard work on the body and the mind, its not easy being pregnant, i know I have done it 3 times to term and as much as I enjoyed it, I made the choice to be pregnant and to take on the responsibility of caring for the child that would be born. To force women/girls to go through with an unwanted pregnancy is wrong.

Anyway thats my big political rant for now... feminist isnt a swear word.

back again

I have had a bit of a break due to Mum and Dad being here, its been good for me to take that sort of break from the internet.

We had an awesome time with them here. The girls loved it and wanted to go home with them.

We are still househunting, and are trying to sort out the mountains of excess stuff we currently have in our place.

I am hoping to get some done today, yay

D

sorry, have been really busy

We have got my parents staying till Friday morning which is really nice, so I have barely been near the computer much less had time to blog about anything that is happening in our lives at the moment. We have had a nice weekend, out for a BBQ on Sat. night, then we went to Masterton yesterday to get some things and look at car parts. 7 seater cars make such a difference to these sort of outings.

I have had the girls home today, we decided that they could have a couple of days off school and kindy while their grandparents were visiting, they are both loving it and told Mum this morning that they should live in Palmy, not Oamaru.

Its a cool idea but not going to happen at the moment, its more likely that we would move back to the south island at some stage.

We are still house hunting, we looked at an Art Deco one today which I quite liked. Ben is unsure though, but it was big enough for us all which had advantages. And it was three blocks from school and kindy which would be great.

D

freaking out

Mum and Dad will be here in the next hour. I am stressed, the kids are being difficult because I am stressed and the house still isnt tidy......
Ben is stressed from work, so its all very chaotic, O is in bed, the girls are heading there, think I will have a cuppa and see what I can achieve in a small amount of time....

cold grey day

I knew that a cold front was moving up the country, I was just not quite prepared for how cold I was going to feel.... I am frozen, have even put socks and boots on today, and am wearing a merino top too... K has worn tights with her skirt today and I am glad she did, its not probably as cold as it is down south, but at the moment its the first kind of hint that it is autumn and I need to look at the kids clothes and my own for the winter to make sure things fit well etc.

Its also raining which isnt nice, I suspect it will bucket down at 2:50pm when its time to get K from school. I just arent a huge fan of cold grey days, its depressing and makes me feel cold.....

We are thinking about getting K a 20" bike with gears for her 6th birthday, it will mean that shes able to go faster and its more efficient for cycling for her.... I am thinking of getting a red bike as its more unisex and I will be able to pass it on for O when he needs that size. its strange when you are looking at this sort of thing and working out how to pass them down through the children. L got a 16" bike for her birthday because she was too big for her bike, I suspect I will be buying a second 20" bike for her 5th birthday because she is only a small bit shorter than K. her 16" bike is red for the reason that O can have it once shes outgrown it.

Lincoln University to merge with Agresearch

this may be come quite a topic oh here for the next while as Ben is employed by Agresearch, I am wondering quite who came up with the idea to merge our biggest Crown Research Institute with a University, I am sure cost cutting has come into the equation and maybe the promise of more funding from the government.

Lincoln was until the late 1980s an Agriculture College, it is an awesome University, my sister, Mum and I all went there, but should a university be merged with a company that its doing research but also about making a profit? The philosophy behind this merger intrigues me and I am sure I will find out more once I talk to Ben and read more as it come available.

making stuff again....

a week ago I unsuccessfully tried to sew... I have noticed when I aren't 100% that my sewing ability goes out the window, as it did that time, but today I have modified what I was trying to do and it worked, yay, now just to make a few modifications and I can make some more for others... I have made an apron type dress with a cowl neck and halter straps, its got a fishtail sort of effect from the centre back, I made it out of an old sari so its quite funky, I just have to find my red belt to go around the middle and its all good. :)

I will post a pic tonight when Bens home so that it shows more accurately what I have made.

titles do we need them?

John Key and his government have decided to reinstate the titles of Knight and Dame to Nz's merit orders..... I cant say I am very impressed... it seems like such an English concept and I do not see NZ as the mini Britain that we used to be in the 1950's. I feel that as a society we have advanced since the time that these sort of Titles were considered part of our society.

It was considered a move towards becoming a republic when they were scrapped, and that is a discussion that needs to be held in NZ as we mature as an independent country. The biggest issue though with becoming a republic is the status of the Treaty of Waitangi. It is a document signed between Maori and the Queen/sovereign of the commonwealth. How this would be dealt with in a Republics constitution is a huge issue and very complex.

ITs something I might have to do some more reading about before posting again on it, but I would love to know what other people think about titles, and republicanism....

thoughts for the day

I have come up with a really cool design for a top/dress, cant wait to get to make one, but it will wait until I have got the kids rooms sorted out, O's is nearly done and the girls shouldnt take too long, its just putting the toys in the toybox etc.

We have been busy sorting out stuff today. Our base to our bed smelled a bit musty so we have covered it in baking soda and left it outside for the day/night. We are getting a new mattress tomorrow which will be really cool, its got latex both sides and pocket springs so should give us a much better sleep than what we are currently getting. I think the bed is one of the reasons why I dont want to go to bed very early, its just really uncomfortable and I hate it.

K has been awesome with her biking, she went over to the park with Ben today and he ended up coming back to get his bike so he could ride with her. I took her on the road for the first time, we biked to get a newspaper, braved one set of lights, and on the way home she got up to 14kph which is rather good for 5yrs on a 16 inch bike.

Lil O has started pointing at things and saying look, its very cute and its a nice way to know what hes seeing thats interesting to him. L is settling back down which is great, she spent most of yesterday with her godmum and M, she didnt want to come home at all.

Am thinking about going to church in the morning. We need to go 20 times during the school year for K to qualify for one of her Girls brigade badges so I had better start making it part of our routine again.

I had a good talk with my Mum today, shes begun reading my ramblings which is quite cool as her and Dad can keep up to date with my mood etc and I feel like I am able to be more honest with them about it, instead of trying to make everything sound great etc.

D

Worn out, but going to stay up and watch tv

Its project runway tonight and I find it quite good to watch, its neat seeing what they come up with each challenge and how they use fabrics etc... my dilemma tonight is whether to watch that or what Gok Wan's how to look good naked.... I think I know how to look good naked, its called artistic use of ones bed sheets :).....

So I will watch Project runway and see if I can get inspired to do some sewing, that after I sort things out for my parents arriving on Thursday next week. I want to make clothing that has a slightly sassy edge on it... thanks E for the new word of the week :) its great.

Whether its through use of fabrics or cut or design, it should be a bit of a challenge for me, I also want to make a couple of apron type dresses/tops that can be thrown over tights or trousers and a top to dress up an outift.

So I am hoping that I will get a small chance to play a bit this weekend....

In other very exciting news K rode home from school to our friends without trainer wheels and after two blocks we were running to keep up with her. I am so proud of her, shes just beaming tonight about it. She also thinks she has a wiggly tooth.... I arent 100% sure if it is or not so we shall see....

busy day running around

So I feel like I have been on the go all day, it started badly because we all slept in, then I had to take K to school, Ben to the dentist, then the Drs, then for an xray then home. Then Ben picked up K, took L to kindy, and we were then out again by 2:30 for K's parent teacher interviews, had to pick L up, back home for a cuppa, then Girls brigade at 4:30, home after six, cooked tea, put kids to bed, Ben had people arrive for landmark thing...


Reading it, this sounds totally mad, I am tired from being in the car so much, and I just cant really be bothered this evening, I have done some surfing, I am looking to make some apron dresses for over things for winter etc...

Its also a month today since the loss, and I am getting better but am still sad about lots of things, it was damn hard waiting for Ben to get his xray too as it was at the same place as they do scans so I felt overwhelmed with pregnant bumps etc.....

Girls brigade was fun, its great that I have something that I get to do with K.

Ben is busy doing Landmark stuff for the third night in a row so I am also feeling just a bit neglected company wise too....

K's parent teacher interview was really good, her teacher is happy with how she is going and said shes a lovely wee girl. Its nice as parents to hear things like this about your children and I was very proud of my girl.

anyway tomorrow is a new day so we will see what it brings.

Feminist Mothers....

I was reading Blue Milk and she had an older post on feminist mothers, so I though hey lets give this a try....

I got an email back today from her saying she would put my post up as a guest post, but I thought I would post it here to be read too... so here it is my responses to what does a feminist mother look like?

1. How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?
My feminism is probably based very simply on the premise of equality. I have probably always been a feminist, its become stronger now that I am a mother as I don't want my girls to be treated worse because they aren't boys.

2. What has surprised you most about motherhood? that perfect strangers think they can comment on how you are parenting, on how your children look on the the number of children you have and whether you are finished having babies, the biggest comment that annoys me is that after 2 daughters we had a son, so i get "oh you must be so happy to have a son". I didn't get pregnant to have a son... we wanted a third child gender was not part of the equation. Now that we have three children we also get the " are you finished now thing" It is my husband and my choice how many children we have, we have just lost our first pregnancy and that has made us even more determined that we want a fourth child.

3. How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism? My feminism has evolved with me as an adult. it was originally more the girls can do anything approach, now its more that women and girls should have as many opportunities available to them as possible and that gender discrimination is not on.the impact of my feminism on my mothering has been that I will encourage all of my children to be the best they can be at what they choose to do, that they are all equal and that a penis does not give my son preferential treatment over my daughters.

4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting? I think the fact that I firmly believe that women are equal makes my mothering feminist. I have observed with having three children that they are all different and that there are patterns of behaviour that are more specific to one gender, but that does not excuse bad behaviour. Girls do girly things, boys do boy things, but they also play with each others stuff and they all treat each other with respect regardless of whether they are boys or girls. We shouldn't encourage them to play solely with the same gender, this makes life harder and leads to this whole boys/girls are better.... its stupid. I think this is how feminism impacts on my parenting that i am unwilling to accept gender as an excuse for anything

5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother? I feel compromised with the whole work/home balance... I am currently a SAHM, I have no intention of returning to teaching anytime in the near future, but as the wife of a scientist I feel that there is an expectation from educated middle classes that mums should work at home and in the paid workforce. I have not noticed this pressure being so high amongst my friends who aren't university educated. It feels like i am being accused of failing yet to me I am doing the best job I can, and that is bringing up my children, I am lucky that I can choose to do this, and that I have this choice, other women are not so lucky. Failure is easy to feel.... I gave up a career to stay at home with children, we put my husbands career ahead of mine because he can earn more etc... this feels like failure.

6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why? No... maybe because I don't voice it, I just do it.

7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist? that's probably the hardest bit of being a feminist, and a mother is that I am constantly sacrificing my needs ahead of those of my husband and family. I put my children's needs a head of my own on a daily basis. I do try though to balance this by having some me time to do what i want, which means some days i sew instead of doing my housework, because i need to feel creative or just be Me instead of being everyone else's property.

8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner? I don't think he has huge thoughts on it, most of the time we agree on how we are bringing up our children, the biggest impact on him is that I still expect him to help around the house even when he works....

9. If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?

10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers? Feminism hasn't failed us its just got twisted up at times, we should be happy with our choices but this is sometimes not possible due to societal pressures on us as women to be supermums. The one failure I can see though is that men still do not do more than 20% of the house chores... this still suxes and its the running a house and working thing that leads to the biggest amount of guilt that we cant be everything we want....

sunburnt and tired

I helped out as a Marshall today at the Weetbix kids Tryathlon, it was awesome, there were over 1250 entries from 7 to 15 years of age.

This was the first time I had been to one of these events, its only the second year they have run one in Palmy. It was amazing, the kids looked like they were having a great time and its really neat seeing a wide range of children out there having a go at something different.

I was on a street intersection making sure cars didn't run the competitors over, it was great getting to yell encouragement at the children as they biked past. I would have preferred to have had some shade though as I am now a very pink person instead of my usual white, I did have a hat and sunnies on, its just my arms and neck that are really pink.

A friends daughter looked after the two littlies she is great with them, and they just love being with her, so over all I have had a nice day,

ps I managed to make a word cloud.... yay thanks to Puerhan for pointers on how to do it

pregnancy

A person I went to school with has announced her pregnancy on facebook and added scan pics.... I am struggling hugely with this. My sisters best friend has also told us shes pregnant, and due around when I would have been.

I am struggling with it all, I don't know quite how to face it. I am happy for them, but I am unhappy, sad that it isnt me, sad that I am grieving still, sad that I am jealous of others happiness.

Unhappy, sad, miserable, jealous, lost for words.... I just wish it had been me.

its a month on the 5th and I am still struggling with it at all, I am getting better, its just small things like scan pics that throw me a bit.

I want to be happy for them, and I am happy that they will get to experience parenting and having children etc, and all the joy etc that goes with that.

I get to host a carnival..... in June

I am holding this carnival in June, better learn how to hotlink things etc before then lol. D

New look for my blog

I was getting a bit bored with the look of my blog so I found this look online... any comments on what you think would be great, I need help to get the labels thing to look different I hate it as a list... would prefer it too be a jumble of words...

love D

response from Midcentral DHB

I received this today via email. The DHB customer person has contacted me and forwarded my complaint to the relevant person.

It will be interesting to see what happens next about it.


Dear Demelza

MidCentral District Health Board welcomes feedback and thanks you for
contacting us regarding the concerns you have about the lack of
sensitivity and lack of information you experienced following your
recent surgery.

Your comments have been forwarded to Mr Nicholas Glubb, Group Manager,
Women's Health Services. He will be responsible to have your complaint
investigated. You will receive a written response to your complaint
once the investigation is complete.

Should you be dissatisfied with the outcome, or have any other issues
you wish to discuss, please contact the Customer Relations office.

Yours sincerely etc....

So lets just wait and see.... they did respond within the 5 day time limit too which I am impressed with.

D

down under feminist carnival

I got a wee mention in the carnival, yay, so thanks to whoever nominated my post on complaint to the dhb....

feeling really fragile today

I am not feeling great, I didnt sleep very well, the weather is changing all the time and I am just over the whole damn think. I am actually a bit worried about how low I have felt over the weekend, I am thinking I might ring a pregnancy support line or something to talk to someone about how I feel about the loss, and how I am coping/not coping with it.

I arent even wanting to eat very much but I am eating because I know I have to.... I think I will have a nice bath tonight and have some time to do me stuff.

I had managed to get my citalopram dose down to 20mg, but I am going to go back up to 40mg for the next while to get me through this patch.

remembering loss

I said earlier that I wanted to get something that I could wear to commemorate the loss we had. I found something the other day, I have a gold chain that I always wear so I thought I would see if I could find something to wear on it.

I found a wee gold disc, with two sets of footprints on it, the other side says "when you saw only one set of footprints it was then that i carried you". Its from a poem called footprints and it is in relation to God carrying us when we need help. To me though it also signifies the carrying of a child so I thought it worked for what I wanted. I also got a wee gold heart to wear that is red enamel on one side. I will not always wear them but for now it helps with the healing process that I am going through.

Yesterday was really tough in the morning, I just felt isolated and lost, we went to friends in the late afternoon which cheered me up, and doing the tri this morning was great as I got the physical energy release that I needed.

Each day is a little easier but I am aware that I can have bad days but they aren't happening quite as often.

D

facebook... addiction gone crazy

I am a facebook addict... I have little boxes for this and that, hundreds of acquaintances, games etc.... well not anymore, today I purged my friends list of people I knew once but that I dont communicate with over facebook or in any other situation, I left a pile of groups that I didnt want to belong to anymore, and I took little boxes and applications away as well that were just frustrating me.

So in someways I have streamlined my facebook usage so that it works as a networking tool and a great way to keep in contact with people who I interact with.

So byebye using facebook as a timewaster, more to using it in more positive ways, like chatting with my wee sister, looking at friends pictures etc.

D

triathlon day again

yep another one done... did it a bit differently today, K ran with a friends boy, then her and I biked, then I swam for us. (she swam in the little pool). L did it, she ran with a friends daughter, then biked beside her godmother who was pushing O in the pram. Ben did his first medium course which is 3.5km run (which he did with no stops) 15km bike, and 200m swim, I was really proud of all my family as they all went out and had a great time.

Its funny how something that I started doing for me has become something that my family now do. We have the kids tri series tomorrow night, so both of the girls will be doing that. Thankfully we have friends whose children are really athletic and love helping the girls which is great for us.

D