boobs.... strange thoughts

I went out last night, was really nice, no kids, no hubby.... and a real bra lol. I have been breastfeeding off and on for 5 yrs now so being able to wear a real bra with wire was a treat.

Its strange though that having my bust up higher made me feel better than when I am wearing my hotmilk maternity bras, or maybe it was that the bra wasnt designed for feeding, anyway it was great to feel normal lol.

What I also wondered is why cant i be one of those women whose boobs shrunk after feeding babies, mine seem to have gotten bigger, which would be great if i was small to start with, but frankly I am over having an F cup... its so over rated.

What I also dont get is why the other half seems to be rather attached to them... they are saggy bits of flesh that feed our babies.... well not always lol... but its interesting thought that straight men seem to claim them as their own.... cant say I want to claim his penis as mine though.......

anyway enough ranting, am enjoying having puter back after 5 days with no modem....

D

mistake

I was thinking about writing about the womens triathlon that I just watched, then I changed my mind.....

I managed to get through the weekend, cmh have promised to look into extra help for me which will be great. I watched far too much tv but I couldnt not watch our kiwi team win medals.

today my wee girl started kindy, I was prepared to be there for the afternoon, but after about 10 minutes i realised that she was happy and didnt actually need her mummy there, so O and I left. She had a great afternoon and was met after school by her big sister, it actually felt quite liberating to be dropping her off for the afternoon and know that I might get some time just for me.

so now three days a week I will just have our wee boy at home with me, its going to be nice just having him, and it will be great for L to meet new kids and have something just for her. Its a nice easy pick up trip too... K meets us outside kindy which is great, every school should have a kindy or daycare right next door, its much easier for us to collect them.

I have lots of plans for my 2 1/2hrs 3x per week, lets hope wee man listens and sleeps then lol.

D

Triathlon

mental health team coming this morning

I am very anxious about this, I dont know quite how to approach it, do i rush around getting everything spotless or just leave it in its lived in look.... or maybe an inbetween approach.

Anyway i find these sessions quite taxing as you have to look at why you do things or why things are like they are etc. I am also going to ask about help again, as i was told I would get some when I shifted to make the adjustment easier, instead B and I have struggled to get things done, doesnt help that I have been sick twice in the last month, and the kids have been too... maybe we will get the house sorted out this weekend.

anyway better go sort things so I dont get even more anxious about things. D

mornings.....

I hate them, I mean the routine of getting up and the kids ready is good, but lately i just cant get my self out of bed to do it.... it all seems a bit hard. So this morning I have decided that i will put all the washing away and vaccum the living room.... sounds really easy but

thats the problem the but...... I cant get motivated at all. Maybe I should do it then have a treat for doing it or something, like sticker charts for the kids. I hate housework, esp the fact that i am expected to do it cos i am at home.... hubbies seem to get away with miniaml input, except mine who has been an angel and carried more than his share of the workload up til recently.

I am offically a housework avoider which is not good......

day two....

well its 10 am, and I have made school lunch and taken miss 5 to school, gotten bubs fed and dressed, settled miss nearly 3 in front of a dvd, and done my hair lol.

I actually dont feel like I have achieved anything yet, but when its written down it looks so much better. Next week it will become more complicated as miss nearly 3 will start afternoon kindy, I am a bit sad about it really as it means shes starting her education.... she currently asking for cheese so had better feed her.

I am battling a slightly darker mood at the moment, I am struggling to get basic housework done and am sinking under a pile of clean washing that needs folded..... I hate this time of year, it always gets me down, whats not helping is that the promised support from the community mental health team has not happened.....

When everything went to custard last year we tried to get help for me, it was an uphill battle that ended up with me shifting with the two girls to my parents. Down in rural Otago I was able to get psychiatric help, two fab midwives, home help and numerous other support systems were in place. Before moving back up here we were given the understanding that i would have the same support up here....... yeah right.

I arent sick enough.

having depression, generalised anxiety, 3 kids, no family support etc is not enough to get me any help other than fornightly counselling.

why is there this discrepency in care between rural Nz and a city? makes me wonder, maybe i should have just stayed down there with mum and dad, but then that wouldnt have helped my marriage or my parents.

tbc....

has nothing changed in the last 10 yrs?

I have read and listened with disgust today to the news that National wants Mums on the DPB to go to work again, didnt they try this with very little success in the 1990's, do they really think we are so dumb that we want to see those who struggle anyway forced into low paying jobs, and their children into after school care?

It worries me to see the informal vote on stuff was for this policy, do we not care that women who are on the Dpb are being punished again for stuff that often hasnt been their own choice. The DPB was put in place to help those at the time they needed it, My grandma had to bring up three children on her own well before the DPB, and her choices were limited to jobs where bosses were able to take advantage of the situation.

I just hope that people see through all this and are able to make better choices on election day.

Rant over

Ok, lets try this blogging thing

First I had better write a little about me, I am 31, married to Benjamin, and an at home mum to three lovely little kiddies.

I didnt expect to be a stay at home mum when I got married as a university student, it wasnt quite in the career path, but fate has interesting ways of changing our lives and after a nasty tussle with depression at 25, and seeing my chosen career path disappear i took some advice from my Grandma..... she suggested we had a family.....

Thanks grandma for leading us to this decision, its been a great journey so far, but I still struggle with the concept of being a housewife and the role it entails, even counselling hasnt helped me get past this problem.....

So heres the start of my online journal/blog....

love D