yay, the school year is finished and I am trying to pack to head south for 3 weeks. I am so looking forward to this break as I have been struggling emotionally for the last couple of months, I thought I was coping, thought it was all ok but clearly it hasn't been ok at all. I was talking to my Mum on the phone 2 weeks ago and kept bursting into tears, with her help I saw that I wasn't doing very well at all. Because of this I have gone back on citalopram and I am beginning to notice the difference in my mood.

I am not sure what triggered this but am sure my hysterectomy will have had some bearing on it all. I didn't think it would affect me emotionally, I thought it was all fine, I had chosen the surgery I was cool with it all, turns out I was wrong, seeing new babies at first was enough to make me want to run and hide and burst into tears. I had chosen with Ben that our family was finished when we had N three years ago, but the permanent end to my fertility hit me harder than I expected.

Its been over 3 months now and I am slowly coming to terms with it all, my health has certainly improved a lot, I am no longer taking tramadol which is awesome, I aren't in constant pain, my back doesn't hurt, the improvement has been awesome.

So now just to get through Christmas, and go camping at lake Mavora, its a place I consider to be my turangawaewae, its where my family go to get strength again, I haven't been there since I was pregnant with Miss L which is 8 years ago. We as a family need this holiday.

love D

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